Dear Arisa

Dear Arisa,

Today as you looked at me, mouth wide open, smiling with those pair of big beautiful dark brown eyes, amused by the smooch sound I made while kissing your tiny hand, I felt a sting of sadness in my heart because I know one day you might not look at me the same again.

One day you will find out about my flaws and my shortcomings and one day you might decide that I was not the best mother to you. One day you might have grudge against me, or against my decisions affecting you, or not, that might draw you away from me. One day you might feel that I don't love you with all that I have, that I should do better to show it to you.

On those fateful day, I hope you would forgive me for my weaknesses and never cease to believe my whole heart have always been made for both of you and your sister. My only reason for existing is for you two, and your dad alone. I pray that those day will never come but who knows what Allah has prepared for us in the future.

Then again, all those feelings faded away as I noticed you showed me your hands near to my mouth, perhaps wanting me to make that sound again. As I love being your greatest (for now) muse, as long as God would allow me, I would never mind kissing your hand and make that smooch sound over and over again until you decide to scratch my face...and farted. Nice Arisa, nice. Way to tell me you love me too...

Mistakes I do not want to do, and insyaAllahs I would make myself do

1) I would not criticize my children for who they are, instead if I see fit, I would give them constructive feedbacks to build them up, never to break them apart.

2) I would not remind my children of their failure in life however small I might think it was and take it against them. Especially in front of anybody else. Or even to joke around.

3) I would remind my children that I love them everyday, if not every hour of my living life, in any way possible, any way so they would realize it.

4) I would never burden my children of my own mistakes and make them feel responsible for it.

5) I would never hold my kids guilty for not giving me money or any material figure so they can show me their appreciation for raising them.

6) I would make myself available for my children in every occasion during they will be needing me however petty/unimportant/insignificant that occasion is to me at the time.

7) I would lend my ear and soul for them during when they need mine to help them go through life, however simple I think that is at the time.

Middle of the night ramble

I'm afraid of people. 

Specifically, I'm afraid of their judgements, words, and accusations. 

I try to be nice and play along even when their judgements hurt me. 

I try to look past through them but when thrown with it everyday I'll start to believe that they are real.

Sometimes I will brave myself to utter some words to defend what is left of me.

Or sometimes I slide in a few jokes to tell them that it's not okay to say that to me.

But I guess they look past that too, because they did it again today.