Motherhood

Title sounds so cliche (among my group of friends of same age) but surprisingly, that's been going on with my life now.

It's 12:52 sharp Malaysia time right now while I am typing this very sentence, and by this time 1 month and 2 weeks ago I was in labor, fighting for my dear life and my two little girls in me.

46 days ago I gave birth to a pair of beautiful baby girls in my birthplace, Kuala Lumpur. My eldest daughter was born at 1:49 am and one minute later at 1:50 my youngest came out, Alhamdulillah healthy. They were on their 38th week that day, where the physicians in HKL confirmed that a pair of monochorionic/diamniotic (mo-di) identical twins are at higher risk of multiple complications including fatality if not to be taken out if not yet born naturally. I was admitted January 21st on Sunday and scheduled for an induction the next day.

My water broke at 12 in the afternoon of 22nd January by a physician's hand-crafted painful 'poke' which I requested an epidural to accompany the much anticipated contractions to come. The opening was at 3cm approximately and I was told to have 7cm more to go until I should start feeling a gush of 'fake bowel movement'.

I started pushing around 12 midnight but was taken to the operation theatre for an emergency Cesarean Section after 1 hour of excruciating pain. My epidural tube was not working (they later decided there has been a leakage on their part) and I was put to sleep during the whole process. Naturally, I did not had my skin-to-skin with my newborn daughters right after they kissed my belly goodbye.

By the time I woke up, my husband was on my right bedside and two tiny-red-colored human were on my left. My face was stuffed with oxygen to help me breathe, and I found myself very tired and not able to produce sound like I normally do. My voice did not come out properly and I couldn't bare to move since the pain around my abdomen was surfacing.

My brand-new daughters and I were detained for 1 week (due to the girls' showing symptoms of Jaundice) at the hospital which during it my husband especially and parents helped me throughout the most confusing; I must say, and painful days I have ever been in my life.

Fast forward today, they are still helping me coping with this new amazing God-given joy that anyone could ever ask for. I must see myself put them before me and anything else in the future hoping that I could ever pay it back to them for what they have done for me.

I am almost recovered from the pain and post-operative wound, can walk and sit like I used to, but to a certain amount of speed or else I would start feeling uncomfortable right beyond the surgery incision.

We are loving every bit of parenthood (grandparenthood in my parents' case) and could not ask for more. Sleepless nights and first time parent's argument are all worth it when the twin flash us their untimely baby smile here and there when being attended to.

I pray to God to give me enough time to see the girls grow up to be someone strong, recognized in His heaven's community, in their lifetime and in the hereafter, and I am looking forward to be a better person because of them.

My favorite mantra in this journey is; 'Strong women...may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them'.

Amin.

Our bundle of joy

to thousand sixteen

Time to reflect of 2016.

Alhamdulillah, a pretty good year.

Got married to the most beautiful man on earth,
with the most beautiful smile, the purest heart there is.

Got the opportunity to brush up this rusty brain
bit by bit, got promoted in less than a year in the new place,
and the chance to learn new things again.

Falling in love with something called work was unimaginable
before, but this year it's something to look forward to
everyday (put the annoying people aside).

The in-laws are in the perfect terms with mine,
got to stay at each other's places for the first time.
Got to experience each other's cultures and appreciate
each other's differences at the same time.

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

Not to forget the whole clan got to be in Japan
altogether for the first time. Mom and dad got to experience
their first autumn and the siblings got to ski and snowboard,
all 4 of us together for the first time.

Alhamdulillah.

Due to getting promoted alhamdulillah got to live in a place
of my dreams in the countryside, where the sun shines right
into the bedroom every morning and the sunset got to be watched
from the balcony while sipping hubby's home made coffee during
the evening.

Bought and built and painted our furnitures, with just the two of us.
Learned to cook and clean and do the laundry for two together,
and the most important one was to learn to share.

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

Bought our first car this year, a used one, but a very strong one.
One who did (and still) not break a sweat to be used in the hot summer days
as well as in the coldest winter. One who still cooperates when
used to go across 260km once a week to satisfy our cravings of certain
(classified) food in the city.

Of course there are some hiccups along the way, thus making way for
the dark side of us appear uninvited. Here's something I put in a form of
list to take up for a better future in 2017, a better insyaAllah.

Things that I'd like to take up are..(not according to sequence)

Åöend of 2016Åö
  Å®Zakat education for Adam, and Zakat at the mosque
  Å®prepare a schedule for al-Quran reading for Adam
  Å®School bags and stationaries for the needs
  Å®Syria funds, mosque funds (you already have extra to give)
  Å®Transfer data all pic into PC, start with S's 16GB
  Å®Send 5 to mak, after resetting to NEW
  Å®baba's green tea
  Å®Send the kids' suitcases to Narita
  Å®

Åö2017Åö

ÅEDual citizenship (Japan)
  Å®Citizenship right to apply to Chevening both from MY and JP!

ÅEChevening Scholarship for Masters
   "Chevening Scholarships aim to support individuals to achieve
   their professional aspirations.
   The course and field of study should relate to your current
   or future career goals."
   Åôopen every August
Å@ Åômust have unconditional offer by Jul
   ÅôCourses must be either nine or 12 months long
   Åôfor taught master's degrees or selected short courses of
     professional development only.
   Åôfor taught master's degrees only.PhD or DPhil are not permitted
   Åôfor study in the UK only.
   ÅôFull-time
   ÅôStart in the autumn term (usually September/October)
  Å®Society/Club
  Å®Sports/Games
  Å®Awards/Recommendation(Patent Award!)
  Å®Voluntary activities

ÅEBe fit and healthy all year
  Å®eat healthy
  Å®exercise everyday(treadmill on the way!insyaAllah)
  Å®hike, new adventure
  Å®half-marathon?
  Å®badminton, tennis?

ÅEBe thankful to people and surrounding
  Å®Recycle, re-use
  Å®Appreciation delivery for family and friends
  Å®Get in touch during their anniversaries/birthdays/random

ÅETo have a better management thinking (of life-work balance)
  Å®frequent chess game with Adam
  Å®or anyone else
  Å®or online

ÅELily at Futurelearn
  Å®complete one course at a time to train for Master's
  Å®to train listening in English
  Å®to get acquainted with fellow lecturers
  Å®to familiarize English in higher forms
  Å®to train for highest level in TOEFL, IELTS

ÅETo prepare welcome-home financial support
  Å®Buy a house with a loan
  Å®Rent it out for Airbnb
  Å®Management by baba
  Å®Events by mama
  Å®Help from yaya and bibi and boboy

ÅEFund for the future kids
  Å®put an aim of certain amount
  Å®plan a schedule to stick
  Å®declare a milestone at certain points in above schedule

ÅENafkah education for Adam
  Å®prepare some material for Adam to easily understand

ÅEJune income
  Å®for Adam (50%)
  Å®Bosch's book
  Å®for Mak and baba (RM1000 each)
  Å®for the kids (RM300 each)
  Å®
  Å®
  Å®


ÅEFund for Master's life (12 months)
  Å®put an aim of certain amount
  Å®plan a schedule to stick
  Å®declare a milestone at certain points in above schedule


ÅEProfessional carrier
  Å®build a resume from scratch
  Å®update it by timeline
  Å®refer to other's linkedin if in trouble
  Å®create every milestone achieve by date (year, place of event)
  Å®then create a milestone og goals
  Å®create a pathway, set your steps right
  Å®REFLECT it to the resume
  Å®set a fixed date, to regularly update

Getting the 'feeling' back.

Good lord, how time flies so fast!

It's 2015 now, and at the almost end of it. I've quit my first real job 3 months ago and now trying to pull myself together so I can get back on my feet. Actually, my dad's trying to get me get back on my feet; by calling me everyday from home asking have I sent my resume to any companies, yet.

I have been enjoying my 'tanam jagung' time, while using ALL my savings for the past 2.5 years (including 3 bonuses, sadly) to travel under budget in this land of rising sun. I just take my own time, renting through 6 airbnbs all throughout Japan under only 3 months. I take trains to undecided destination, take pictures of the trees and dogs and old people, (you must be surprised to see so much old people outside Tokyo), act like a nerd and read books (read: novels) in cafe shops during the day, while lazy-ing around on the bed during the night. Sometimes I also sleep throughout the day and spend the night on movies like an owl, but with heavy eyebags.

But here's the thing about airbnb, it's cheap if you book like 3 months earlier, because the good and cheap ones are still available. My luck must not be with me at this time of the year because I didn't know about this before. I book only a few days earlier, since I have no plans whatsoever. To cushion the impact, I started doing what other people always advice me to do; start saving. (Or in my case, stop online shopping)

On top of eating maggi everyday to save up for this time, I also sold a few of my high heels and winter coats to top up the decreasing balance in my poor bank account. (Now I really know the worth of money, sigh). Anyway, not all things are bad, though. While licking the wound, I told myself that since I love seeing people's home (and go through people's stuff), here's the time to explore!

But not for long.

I already got calls for interviews the past weeks, and tomorrow I have to go to a few more. I hired an agent to help me with the search, and found out that people here often send as much as 100++ resumes online and just wait for the companies to call back for interviews.

I can't be doing that much (coz I have a life?) so I sent to about 50-ish last week but got only 14-ish replies. I don't want to go to that much interviews, and I told my agent to refuse. To my surprise, he put a confused voice and ask if I were serious. "We never say no to the companies, so I hope you will attend all of them and let us compare each interviews, compare and analyse their offers one by one. See you next week." And he hung up.

Guess I have to sell myself to the black suits for a few weeks more. Pray for me!

How did they know?

I have about more than 20 invitations to weddings and engagements waiting inside my FB upcoming events calendar.

Most of them are from childhood friends, high school & college classmates. In other words, they're all about my age. Some of them are marrying someone in our own circle of friends, as some to someone they barely even knew.

You see when we start working, we found someone new, too. And when we realize the chemistry that bonds, within just a few simple family meetings and agreements between two pacts, wedding bells's the result to something special they agreed upon.

But there's something I could not bring myself to understand. It's how they know that they've met the right one. What if...oh I don't mean it the wrong way, but what if that someone turned out wrong? Ops, I guess I meant it the wrong way.

What if something happen one day and one of us regret and blame the marriage instead?

What if we finally realize that what both of us wanted was absolutely different and the marriage's stopping us to achieve them?

What if we found out that the chemistry that once shared suddenly gone?

There are lots of 'What if's to restrain me from saying I'd trust someone to marry him without hesitation.

These 'What if's are the questions that got tangled to one another that makes untangling them seems so impossible.

Even if one is settled, there's another 'What if' coming up next.

I really just can't stop thinking, on how the hell they knew they were marrying the right person?