A little reflection, a ponder.

 

24th Nov 2022; the day our 10th Prime Minister sworn into office, one I'm proud to call our leader (next to Dr. M), the one and only, Anwar Ibrahim.

Big moments like this, history-making events like this, would make its way into my reflecting and planning my next big moves in life. I'm not moving alone now, I'm bringing my 2 kids and my husband with me in it. Although my options may be limited, but they are not impossible. 

Since all of my debts will be settled this year, I just have to resume contributing to our savings account before having just quite enough for me to quit my job and challenging myself for a master's degree. I imagine it in a year or two. The on the third, we go home. Twenty-twenty five. InsyaAllah.

I hope while doing that, I'm already equipped enough for a freelance role, as a trilingual machine learning engineer (a remote, and a high-paying professional one at it) where I could work around the globe. I could be by my husband's side while he's pursuing his dream and career, and I could be with the kids when they need me. I could be there for my other family members both in Japan and Malaysia for whatever gathering, events, caring, wedding, or even a simple meeting. That would be a dream come true.

One day, the kids are going somewhere for their degrees, and I plan to come with them. I want to learn what they learn, and maybe join them secretly at their lecture halls a time or two. I want to nurture them to be the best person that they can, a contributing leaders for their religion, country, and their races (cuz they both Japanese and Malay). I want to give them everything that they need to be that. And if I can't, I just wish I will try my very best.

Yesterday, Amir's wife, Anisah just left us to meet our maker. She's so young. She left Bushra and Thohir both 3-ish and 1-ish olds. An asthma attack in the middle of the night a few weeks earlier, carried by ambulance to the ICU but it was too late, her brain was deprived from oxygen a little too long. She was suspected brain-dead albeit her lungs and other organs were working. Her twin sister, and her family kept their turns taking care of her alongside her husband. Mah and baba aak look after her children. Mah said her twin would come and massage her hands and feet because they would go numb and stiff, and being there was painfully scary.  Doc said there were possibility she were listening even though there were no response. Amir said her eyes would move trying to find their voices once in a while. But that was it. Then her lungs was infected, and her family refuse to proceed with more operations or tests to not burden her. They would accept the course that Allah has decided for them. They decided they will redha with Allah's decision. Then her doctor advised them to bring her children and families to come see her for their goodbyes, because her health were deteriorating. A couple of days later, she passed. I have yet to call and ask the story of her passing, as I'm sure they are all still in great grief and tired since her funeral yesterday. I'll check on them tomorrow or this weekend, insyaAllah.

I believe she's now with the angels answering their questions, calmly and confidently. She's loved by many, especially by her husband, parents. I believe they've already forgive her wrongdoings if she had some, and she's free of that now, on top of her honoring her duty as a muslim, wife, and a mother. She's with the angels, and soon she would be one too, waiting for her dear children and Amir up in the highest heaven. Amin insyaAllah. 

Her passing reminds me of my duty to my girls, and husband, and especially as a muslim. I want to leave this world in a good shape, like her. While I'm good, while I'm loved, while I'm contributing. While I'm with Iman. If I were destined to leave not seeing my girls grow up, I want them to have a set of insurance, security of not only in material form, but also spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. I want to be able to give the means for them to achieve them if I won't be able to provide for them. Amiinn. Only Allah can help me. He's the one who govern our hearts and I rely only to him for the future of me, my children, and my husband's.

My future self, if you're reading this, keep on remember, people often said, life is short, enjoy it, but emphasize this; Eternity is long, prepare for it. 

I pray while I'm busy making a career and a family out of my years in this temporary world, I will be more busier making my preparation for eternity. I wish I have the discipline to be istiqamah and the wisdom to balance the two. Amiin. 

 

 

The first day of the year twenty and twenty-one.

Can't believe I'd live to experience a pandemic in the span of my lifetime. It's a virus that attacks the respiratory system, where people with existing conditions are most vulnerable.

I don't have to elaborate this further, as I'm sure there will be more stories about this outside of my space here.

It is the year 2021 today. When I was younger I imagined a different 2021, where most possibly, my imagination impaired by my choices of television programs. 

Anyway, I'm glad it's different because it's better. This life I have now is better than I have ever imagined. Every aspect of my life is being taken care of, and I pray my life will be until the end of its time. 

Allah has been mercifully generous in granting all of my wishes last year, which I'm sure the result of my parents' prayers. I know I'm riding on their prayers all these years, but this year, particularly, it hit differently.

I made a lot of big decisions this year, affected my family member's lives, where everyone played their role in helping my life easier, according to my plan. I am forever indebted to their kindness.

Only Allah can pay back the sacrifices my husband has made for me to be a step closer to my goals, even if that meant he'll keep his in the shadows of mine. The house chores that he takes care of oftentimes more than mine, the financial burden of 4 that he shouldered alone. The extraterrestrial-like support that he provided when greeted with my cryings and curses, pulling me back on my feet when I stumbled upon numerous invitations to give up. The pat on the back for every small bit of success I collected throughout, the flowers, presents, surprises, chocolates, and more, furthermore, are all my 20-something-year-old self wished for, in a kind and loving husband that he is. 

My mother and father, who have been wholeheartedly supporting me despite their better judgments. Listening to my rants even when they might understand differently, trying to hide their yawns (lol), but nodding nonetheless. Even lending me their money without me asking for them, presenting my children the love of caring grandparents, loving them more than I can ever ask for.

My sisters, for their encouragement, emotional and mental support, may they receive whatever their hearts yearn for, insyaAllah. The hour-long phone calls, ugly cries, the only support system that has my back, where I feel safe unconditionally.

My children, who have been nothing but the happyness (intended) in my heart, the softness in my soul, the brightness that I have been longing day and night for the first 20 something years of my life. The reason that I keep going, keep doing what I think is unreachable, but never impossible. My Sarina and Arisa. My flowers, my angels.

I pray that this year will shine as bright as last year, if not brighter. I wish that I will pray and work harder to achieve my goals, think smarter, and be better in whatever Allah permits I attempt in the next 365 days, before stepping on more, in the days after that. 

Zulkaedah (Dhul Qi'dah)

I discovered that this is the month where the Arabs would sit back, and not engage in fighting or the war, in preparation for the Hajj the following month.

Here, in the context of our generation, I would like to think that this is the time that we take, to sit back, reflect, and gather our thoughts on life before moving forward, or take our own personal Hajj the following month...

So here are the events that I consider 'reflections' of the previous months of my life...


😓  I have jumped into the ocean of Machine Learning Engineering without checking my loose life vest which is my essential skills before diving right in.

😓  I have failed my body to maintain its healthy weight by hoarding an extra 10 kgs after I gave birth 2 years and 5 months ago.

😓  I may have taken a big ass loan to enroll in an online Bootcamp-like school to help me with reflection number one.

😓  I also may have taken the savings on ASB from the girls' account to support reflection number 1.

😓  I also may have taken a loan from my mother to help me support reflection number 1.


Wow...I think that's enough reflection for today. Machine Learning is a newly discovered passion of mine, where I put my trust in, where I put my future in. Well, it's not an overstatement if I say I have bet my future on it.

I have given up a lot of things to come here, not so far from where I started, but I'm doing my best.
This is the only thing I could see myself doing in the future. I can't imagine doing anything else. In fact, I don't want to do anything else...

There are a lot of steps to go before I achieve my goal, and I know I would fall a number of times somewhere, maybe fall harder than I have ever fallen, or maybe I will stray further than where I started. But those are necessary to my growth. I could only say I will learn from them and get back up.

So to be able to know how to get back up from the fall, I am gathering as much information, skills, notes, cheat-sheets, and everything in between to slip under my belt.

For all that I know now, my 'Hajj' next month marks the journey that I'm going all out to set myself ready for the biggest transition I have ever set for myself, ever.

Failed.

I can never be a minimalist.
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Or even pretend to be one, more than a month. Sad.
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The culprit: An espresso machine!